Listen
by FreakyFreak17
Summary: One-shot story. After an unfortunate outcome at a recent field exam, Rinoa decides to hover over Squall to monitor his emotional state. Despite her attempts, an ever-so-closed-off Squall evades her completely. Will Rinoa succeed in her desire to put him at ease, or is there something she's doing wrong?


_**Author's Note: Credit to skribleskrable's fan art and **__** fpwyfotcanea's comment (from Tumblr) for the inspiration. Please enjoy.**_

* * *

Rinoa made an extra effort to show Headmaster Cid that she was listening. She nodded her head, she said "mhmm", she maintained eye contact. But at every opportunity that arose, she glanced across the ballroom, past the recently graduated SeeDs drinking merrily among their peers, to where Squall stood. He was listening intently to Xu as she filled him in on the rest of the details about the recent field exam. Rinoa knew he had been waiting for it.

Staring at him for a little longer, Rinoa thought he looked like the perfect Commander. Decked out in his cleanly pressed SeeD uniform, he stood tall with his shoulders back and his chest high, his hands firmly behind his back. Squall's 'at ease' pose was never truly at ease, and even from a distance, Rinoa could see the crease between his brows.

"...it's quite a shame about that one cadet, however..."

Headmaster Cid's words permeated into Rinoa's ears, bringing her attention back to him.

"...Sorry?" She said.

"The boy," He clarified. "I hear he was quite the strapping young man, always practicing at the training center, sometimes at the crack of dawn. He would have passed with flying colors, no doubt about it. If only his Protect had been intact during that last swipe..."

Headmaster Cid's eyes glossed over as he trailed off. For a moment, the sound of the waltz playing in the air seemed absent in the space between them.

"Headmaster?" Rinoa said softly.

Cid shook his head and blinked. "Yes, dear?"

"Does it ever...get easier?"

The headmaster knew immediately what she meant. He sighed quietly and looked down at the drink in his hand.

"Easier wouldn't be the word to describe it. I would say it gets more...manageable. There's only so much you can do to try and control it. The true value lies in what you learn from the mission outcomes to help prevent more misfortunes. But even then, one can only do so much. Casualties will always be...inevitable..."

They were both quiet for a moment.

"And that, Rinoa, is why you have an important role."

Rinoa blinked. "Me, sir? I'm not a SeeD."

"Be that as it may, you are still surrounded by them," he eyed her sincerely. "Don't lose yourself to the more 'civilian' aspects of this school. You may see students in cafeterias, and festivals, and libraries, but at the end of the day, you must remind yourself that these are soldiers. Outside of these walls, the life of a SeeD is always at the mercy of fate - a constant gamble between life and death."

Cid paused and shook his head.

"Such was the case for that young man... This isn't first time we lost a student in a field exam, but even after many years as headmaster, I can't say I've grown callous to the thought of it. And unfortunately, that is a burden that Squall will bear as Commander. Quistis too, as future Headmistress..."

Rinoa's chest rose up and down, heaving at the solemnity with which he spoke. Cid's eyes softened before he leaned to whisper in her hear.

"Take care of him," he said.

He reached out and squeezed her hand, then walked away.

Rinoa stood motionless for a while, taking in all that she had heard. Just then, as if a voice called her from within, she looked up and met Quistis' eyes in the crowd. She was amidst the others, stuck in what looked like a banter between Zell, Sephie, and Irvine, but her eyes were urgently set on Rinoa.

Rinoa furled her eyebrows inquisitively, to which Quistis responded with a very conspicuous nod to the side. Rinoa followed her direction and was led to where Squall stood. Xu had just walked away, having finished the report. And while Squall hardly changed from the way he stood earlier, Rinoa immediately understood what Quistis meant.

Rinoa looked back at Quistis and gave a gentle, thankful nod. Quistis returned the gesture before excusing herself from the group and leaving the ballroom. As subtle as it was, Rinoa noticed the way Quistis' smile faded quickly as she turned away from the group. Her eyes... They had the same far-off look as Headmaster Cid's only moments ago. Rinoa made a mental note to check in on her tomorrow.

Squall was in a daze when Rinoa approached, but he snapped out of it as soon as he noticed her. The corners of his lips twitched upwards slightly in a failed attempt to smile. Rinoa smiled softly at him and reached for his hand, which he gave to her freely. Despite his calmness, Rinoa could feel the warmth of his palm, knowing fully well that it was probably balled up into a tight fist just moments before.

* * *

A heavy, exhausted sigh escaped from Squall and permeated the silence of the bedroom as they arrived. Angelo padded towards him and received a ritualistic, albeit distracted, scratch behind the ear. She approached Rinoa too, and after getting her fix of affection, she padded away and nestled comfortably at the foot of the bed.

Squall moved towards the closet and started changing out of his uniform. Rinoa watched him for a moment before approaching from behind. Gently, she slipped her arms around his waist and pressed her cheek against his back.

He paused and turned his head towards her. "Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yes," she replied, "Why wouldn't I be?"

She felt a tinge of disappointment. His natural instinct to check on those around him first made him a great leader, but all too often it felt like a disservice to him.

"...Are you?" She said.

He was quiet for a moment. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, are you okay?"

"Yeah," He said instantly. "Why wouldn't I be?"

This time, they were both quiet. She listened to him breathing, felt the gentle rise and fall of his shoulders and back against her cheek.

"Squall..." She beckoned.

He cleared his throat uncomfortably and gently took her arms off around him.

"I'm going to the Training Center," He said flatly as he pulled a new t-shirt over his head.

"This late?"

"I have a lot of work this week. This will be my only chance in the next few days."

Rinoa didn't say anything. She watched him as he finished changing and walked over to retrieve his gunblade. He didn't speak, but she could tell he knew she was watching.

"I'll probably be back after midnight, so don't wait for me."

"Okay."

He was halfway out the door when she called his name.

"Yeah?" He said, staring blankly at her.

There was a beat before Rinoa spoke. "Don't be too hard on yourself, okay?"

He didn't say anything, but she noticed every movement - the crease between his brows tightening slightly, the gentle wave that moved down his neck as he swallowed whatever he might have wanted to say. Then to her surprise, he walked over and placed a hand behind her neck. He pulled her into a kiss - one so tender and so meaningful that she felt everything that he wasn't saying. For a moment, she wanted to pull away and ask him to talk, but she couldn't bring herself to do so. She knew he wouldn't talk. He wouldn't, even if she begged. At least not yet. And so she let him press his lips against hers for as long as he wanted. Or needed.

He broke away unceremoniously and walked out of the room without saying another word.

* * *

Rinoa laid quietly in bed, staring at the numbers glowing gently in the dark. 12:28am, it read. It's been over an hour, and he wasn't back yet. For the last fifteen minutes, she could feel the weight of sleepiness pressing down against her eyelids, but she rebelled against it.

_Squall_, she thought. _Talk to me..._

She opened her eyes, and suddenly it was 1:09. She half-sat up and glanced around the room, scanning the darkness for any movement, but found none. She reached for the spot next to her in bed. It was empty. Only the sound of Angelo dozing at the foot of the bed reached her ears. She laid her head back on the pillow.

2:37am.

Rinoa realized she had fallen asleep again, but her anticipation woke her to the sound of the door opening gently. She watched Squall's tall figure moving in the darkness, walking quietly across the room to set his gunblade back in its case before heading for the bathroom. The bright fluorescent light from the bathroom washed over him momentarily as he entered, and even in the short amount of time, Rinoa saw the monsters' blood drenched on his shirt and covering his arms. However many had the misfortune of crossing his path tonight, Rinoa knew that they would be noticeably absent from the Training Center tomorrow morning.

She waited until he finished showering but made no movement when he came out of the bathroom. She laid motionless even as he climbed in bed behind her and drew towards her, wrapping her completely in his arms.

She wanted to say something. She wanted to turn around and look at his face, into his eyes. But tiredness seduced her, convincing her that it was perhaps better to let him sleep. Perhaps the training center achieved its desired effect, at least for now, and that tomorrow he'll be ready to talk.

Rinoa listened to his gentle breathing, paying close attention as it slowly drew out into a tender slumber.

* * *

There was nothing in the silence to rouse Rinoa from her sleep but for the absence of Squall's arms around her. She opened her eyes with difficulty, fighting off the heavy stupor that had fallen upon her. She squinted into the dark. The clock read 4:48am. She turned to reach for Squall behind her, but her hand landed on the surface of the bed instead.

As her eyes adjusted to the dark, she could see the empty space before her. She wondered sadly where he might have gone this time but was startled when she noticed something in the corner of her eye.

She turned, and there he was.

The night sky outside the window was casting a faint, blue hue in the darkness, but through it, she saw the outline of Squall sitting on the side of the bed - broad shoulders in a white shirt, hunched over with only the back of his head peeking over the dip between his shoulder blades. His legs were folded beneath him, and he had his arms folded across, his hands clasping at his elbows as if he intended to hold himself.

"Squall?" Rinoa called in the dark.

She knew he heard her, though he said nothing. She crawled over slowly to his side and placed a hand on his back.

"Squall?" She called again.

He refused to look up, leaving her no choice but to stare at whatever bits of his face she could see. Strands of his hair draped along the sides of his face, but through them, the tension on his temples was evident. Though Rinoa couldn't see clearly, she knew that his eyes were shut tight.

She gave him all the time he needed. She waited. It was several minutes before he finally spoke.

"...He was only seventeen..."

Rinoa rubbed his back slightly to show that she heard him.

"...same age as I was when I turned into a SeeD..."

She said nothing.

He curled into himself slightly more and a few moments passed before he spoke again. He mumbled something. She leaned in, but she couldn't hear. Still, he mumbled on.

"Squall, I..." _I can't hear you_, she wanted to say.

He knew what she wanted to say and spoke more distinctly.

"I should have done something."

Rinoa's chest tightened at the words that came out of him.

"I should have arranged something else for the field exam," he added. "I should have sent more instructors to supervise, I should have gone myself, I should have done more research, I should have licensed more guardian forces..."

The words flowed freely out of him now.

"...I could have done something, I should have done something, I..."

His voice cracked at the last bit of his words, and to Rinoa's awe, she saw a tear fall from his eye.

She had never seen him cry. She realized now that he cried very much in the same way he carried himself. Quiet. Formal. Reserved. But as constrained as it was, every sniff, every tear, every crack in his voice bore into her chest. Her throat dried from the heaviness of her breath.

"...it's my fault he died..."

Her eyes shot wide at his last words, and she immediately clutched his shoulder, grasping as tightly as she could.

"It's not your fault!" She said forcefully. "Squall, it's _not_ your fault! You did the best you could, you made your decisions based on what you knew. There was nothing that could have prevented what happened, it was just unfortunate. He wasn't the only one who thought that the Elnoyle was dead, everyone thought it too. It just so happened that he was standing nearby when it took a last swipe. Squall, please, it's not your fault...!"

Her voice was cracking now too, but she wanted to say more.

"Squall, it's not your fault!" She said one more time. "It's not..."

"Rinoa..."

The sudden firmness in his voice stunned her. He was still curled up, but she now saw that the tears ceased falling. Only the sound of his ragged breath revealed his lingering pain.

"Squall... I just wanted you to hear it. It's not your -"

"I know," He cut her off. "I know..."

He sniffed.

"But please... Just..."

_Just what? _She thought, but he never finished.

He reached up and squeezed the bridge of his nose between his index finger and his thumb. She felt his shoulders relax.

Then Rinoa understood.

_Just...listen. That's all I need. Just listen..._

Rinoa softened. This whole time, she had been beckoning him to talk. However gently she prodded, she had been forcing him against his will, against his comfort, against the time he needed.

She understood now. He didn't need to say anything, and neither did she.

Nothing was going to bring the young cadet back to life. Rinoa knew that. She also knew that there would be many more to come. It was part of being a SeeD, a part of being in a Garden. She quietly lamented the thought of all the times when Squall would have to face this again...

But he won't be alone. She won't allow him to be alone.

_Take care of him, _Cid's voice echoed in her mind.

This may have been her first time at his side, but it sure wasn't going to be the last. For all the times to come, Rinoa vowed to be there, to help him carry his burden.

To listen.

His breathing had steadied now, and his fingers no longer dug into his skin, but he didn't unfold himself. He didn't need to. She wasn't going to force him to.

Rinoa wrapped her arms around him and rested her head against his back, ready to wait for as long as she needed.


End file.
